My expectations might have been high going into USC. I think I expected to have a lot less free time than I was actually presented with. I took a pretty chill semester (no regrets) and I think it helped me ease into college a little bit better, especially with pledging a sorority. But I was still left with quite a bit of time to leave my mind wandering (in a good or bad way, I have yet to really determine). I didn’t expect leaving Texas to be so different and, honestly, difficult. I don’t know if it was culture shock or college shock or both, but it was and still is rough adjusting. I don’t know if I don’t feel like I don’t fit in or if I’m still adjusting.
Despite these uncertainties, I’m entirely grateful for my time in LA, especially the moments where I questioned God’s timing and will for me. There were several moments where I wondered what it would be like for me to be at UT with all of my friends, in what I thought would be a comfortable environment. Looking back, I know that God placed me in LA for so many reasons. To learn to seek community instead of expectations of being sought after, to be intentional specifically with my sisters, to find my identity and worth not in my academics but in Him, to be patient with His perfect timing, and to trust and depend on Him in the midst of trials.
Coming home and catching up with high school friends helped me realize how grateful I am for what I may call “trials”. I have never been stretched or challenged in any way similar to the way I was this semester. Those tough moments were so incredibly fruitful and as a result, I can wholeheartedly say that I wouldn’t trade this semester for anything.
It’s strange knowing that I’ll be in LA in a week. I had imagined that this last week would be really busy - hanging out with people one last time before I’m off for 3 months. But the sooner this week came, the less I really cared to spend time with people. I’m not really sure why unfortunately… I guess the cup analogy is reigning true in my life right now. If people don’t really care to spend time with me before I leave, I’m okay with that for some reason. At this point, I’m not really sure if it’s apathy or contentment… Sigh.
To be honest, I’m scared to leave the only “home” I’ve known for 18 years of my life. The comfort of my own home is slowly slipping out of my hands. I can count the number of days I have left with the people I will miss most and that’s probably what scares me the most. These things make me wish I was going to UT a lot of times.. but I know that God has a greater and much bigger plan. That He makes “all things work together for my good”.
The distance between my closest friends and I will be a challenge.. possibly the biggest challenge I’ll have personally. I have no doubt about that.. Just visiting LA, I found the time difference to be really rough on me since communicating with my friends was tough. But I know that the friendships that make it through to the other end will mean that much more to me in the grand scheme of things.
On a more technical level, I don’t know how to pack for a long term trip, essentially. The earliest I’ll step back into the confines of my home will be in mid-November. How do you pack for 3 months?!
I hate that tumblr is my place to vent all my negative emotions.. but wow this is so accurate. I swear I texted my best friend this just the other day.